A Doxology in Darkness: November 2013

"You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me."

- Meredith Andrews

So now we're here. Anxiously awaiting the day we can meet the human growing inside of me. We always hear, "Hindsight is 20/20". It is so true, but it makes me frustrated sometimes...why couldn't we have seen and known all along? Despite the difficulties we endured to get to this point, looking back I know He was carrying me. I heard His promise to me- I knew I would be a mother one day. I just wish my faith had comprehended that and my heart hadn't gotten angry. God, forgive me, a sinner.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had thought with the first pregnancy that "this was how it was supposed to be"...we would eventually get pregnant on our own, and we did. God again reveals the nature of our heart- mine was to be in control. After miscarrying, I was relieved when my doctor told me that we didn't have to wait to try again; the next month we would try a different medication and IUI. I told my three best friends (who are also my personal prayer warriors) and they were so encouraging during the next several weeks. On July 4th, we went in for IUI and received yet another discouragement. The doctor on call came in to inform us that the numbers were considerably lower that what they should be to be successful. Again, I asked my girls for prayer, and they were faithful. One of them even got their roommates (people who had never even met me) to pray for Jay and me and our potential new life. We waited a couple of weeks then did a pregnancy test- negative. The next day? Negative again. We were not in control.

Two days later, I decided to try again. When two pink lines appeared, we were hesitant. Would the same thing happen again? It was too early to be too excited. More blood work. At six weeks, the ultrasound technician pointed out the "baby". I didn't see anything, but when she switched on the doppler and we heard a heartbeat- there were no words. As with a lot of women, I was worried through the first several weeks, but everyday He is teaching me to trust Him. He has renewed my faith in prayer (and the prayers of others). He has multiplied our joy with every family member and friend's reaction to our news. He assures me every time I feel this little human move inside me. We can't wait to know the gender and name this blessing. We look forward to reading the books and painting the room- all the fun parent-y stuff.

We could not have made this happen. We were incapable. He has always been in control and He uses us for His glory. Thank you Jesus for blessing us.