Darkness. The absence
of Light, of Hope. A shadow of evil,
pain, sorrow. Darkness comes in many
shapes and forms. What is darkness in
your life? The unfathomable shooting in
Newtown, CT? The senseless death of a
high school friend? We try to comprehend it all. We ask, “Where is God?”
In my life, darkness has been infertility. Over four years we have waited, hoped,
prayed. Cried. I have reached a point where I need to talk
about it. For me and for you. Infertility has a stigma that we shouldn’t
talk about it. I think that’s
wrong. I’m not planning on sharing the
details with the World Wide Web (you are welcome to call me if you’d like talk
about it), but I think it’s important to share my heart on the topic.
I am not going to lie to you. I have been angry with God. I have doubted His goodness. I have bargained with Him and flat out
ignored Him. I asked, “Where is God?” My head knew that He was there, but I did not
desire Him. My head knew that He alone
was peace for my soul…but my hurting heart wanted nothing to do with Him. I busied myself with Masters work and just
about anything else to numb myself from what I knew was Him speaking to
me. It has been a dark, dry, and
difficult journey.
So, where was God? He
was there all along…I did not want to find Him.
Could this be true for the darkness of other situations in our world
too?
Psalm 130 “Help, God- the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! Listen hard!
Open your ears! Listen to my
cries for mercy.” (The Message
translation)
I love quoting authors because so often I feel that they put
words to the emotions that I am unable to express. I stumbled across this gem from Eugene
Peterson on Sunday. It’s from his book, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction. “By setting the anguish out in the open and
voicing it as a prayer, the psalm (130) gives dignity to our suffering. It does not look on suffering as something
slightly embarrassing that must be hushed up and locked in a closet (where it
finally becomes a skeleton) because this sort of thing shouldn’t happen to a
real person of faith. And it doesn’t
treat it as a puzzle that must be explained, and therefore turn it over to
theologians or philosophers to work out an answer. Suffering is set squarely, openly,
passionately before God. It is
acknowledged and expressed. It is
described and lived.”
This is me setting my suffering out in the open. I don’t want it to become a skeleton in my
closet. I don’t need anyone to rationalize
it for me. I just want to open it up to
the One who knows every detail, understands my emotion, and longs for me to
turn and run into His arms. I am living
it- not dying because of it. Please don’t
feel sorry or say, “It will all happen in the right time”. Just pray…and mean it.
Next? Gratefulness. 