Not for a Moment...

"You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me."

- Meredith Andrews

So now we're here.  Anxiously awaiting the day we can meet the human growing inside of me.  We always hear, "Hindsight is 20/20".  It is so true, but it makes me frustrated sometimes...why couldn't we have seen and known all along?  Despite the difficulties we endured to get to this point, looking back I know He was carrying me.  I heard His promise to me- I knew I would be a mother one day.  I just wish my faith had comprehended that and my heart hadn't gotten angry.  God, forgive me, a sinner.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had thought with the first pregnancy that "this was how it was supposed to be"...we would eventually get pregnant on our own, and we did.  God again reveals the nature of our heart- mine was to be in control.  After miscarrying, I was relieved when my doctor told me that we didn't have to wait to try again; the next month we would try a different medication and IUI.  I told my three best friends (who are also my personal prayer warriors) and they were so encouraging during the next several weeks.  On July 4th, we went in for IUI and received yet another discouragement.  The doctor on call came in to inform us that the numbers were considerably lower that what they should be to be successful.  Again, I asked my girls for prayer, and they were faithful.  One of them even got their roommates (people who had never even met me) to pray for Jay and me and our potential new life.  We waited a couple of weeks then did a pregnancy test- negative.  The next day?  Negative again.  We were not in control.  

Two days later, I decided to try again.  When two pink lines appeared, we were hesitant.  Would the same thing happen again?  It was too early to be too excited.  More blood work.  At six weeks, the ultrasound technician pointed out the "baby".  I didn't see anything, but when she switched on the doppler and we heard a heartbeat- there were no words.  As with a lot of women, I was worried through the first several weeks, but everyday He is teaching me to trust Him.  He has renewed my faith in prayer (and the prayers of others).  He has multiplied our joy with every family member and friend's reaction to our news.  He assures me every time I feel this little human move inside me.  We can't wait to know the gender and name this blessing.  We look forward to reading the books and painting the room- all the fun parent-y stuff.

We could not have made this happen.  We were incapable.  He has always been in control and He uses us for His glory.  Thank you Jesus for blessing us.

14 and 20 weeks BFFs

15 weeks in Panama City Beach

16 and 27 weeks picking apples

17 weeks at Vanderbilt vs. UGA

18 weeks

19 and 30 weeks on Halloween

19 weeks at Steeplechase

Learning about Loss and Life

I haven't forgotten about my blog.  I've wanted to write several times but the timing just wasn't right.  A lot has happened since March- some difficult and some joyful.  I think I'm just going to have to jump right into everything and let it sort itself out.  Here goes...

So, in March I wrote that we were going back to the infertility specialist.  It was just a consultation, but a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.  On our own.  (I know, right?!!!)  The glorious news we had waited four and a half years for was finally here.  Of course we were elated and I didn't mind going for blood work every few days.  I actually thought to myself, "Thank you, God, this is how is was supposed to be".  Little did I know, His plans were different.  Two weeks after we found out, we were told that we would be miscarrying.  A baby was not developing.  Now we had to just wait around for it to happen.  This is where He started teaching me about grief.

The older I've gotten, I have realized something about myself.  I'm not very good at losing things.  If I can't find something, it's because, clearly, "someone else has moved it".  If there has been a death in the family, I separate myself from the emotion involved and play the "strong girl".  I think it's all part of the control freak in me.  But as I have become aware of it, it is also changing.  After getting the news of the miscarriage, I came home and broke down.  I cried for a long time.  I started asking questions that I didn't really want an answer to.  Then the science-loving part of my brain started rationalizing, "Well, if it wasn't going to become a baby, then let's just get this over with".  I went back to work and tried to act like nothing was wrong but my body was telling me otherwise.  His still, small voice was telling me this was going to be a process, and He was teaching me.

My prayer quickly became for Him to keep me from going back to darkness.  I was there for so long, and it would be so easy for me to go back there.  Keep my heart soft, God.  I want to stay open to You.

My sweet Savior carried me through the loss in early May.  My heart is heavy for those who endure such pain without the comforting arms of Christ.

Unfortunately, this was only the beginning of His lesson.  With this new found determination to become parents, Jay and I knew that we had to make a decision about our dog, Gracie.  We rescued Gracie from animal control several years ago.  She must have had a tough life because she was very fearful and aggressive towards strangers and other dogs.  She was always sweet and protective with us, however she had bitten people in our home.  We knew we did not feel comfortable having her around when we brought a baby home one day, but had put off the inevitable for as long as we could.  We searched for new owners and contacted rescue groups.  Our only options were to keep her or put her down humanely.  On the last day of May we walked away from the vet with tears in our eyes.  We drove a few hundred yards and had to pull into a Wal-Mart parking lot to let the bottom drop out.  Hardest thing we've ever done.  While sitting in the parking lot that day, all we could do was pray.  We felt so much hurt and pleaded with God to send us joy.

Through it all, several friends commented to me on how I was the "strongest person they knew".  Far from it.  If they could see inside my head, full of doubt, fear, and pain, they would change their mind.  My lesson has been this:  I am the weakest person I know.  I run.  I cry.  I give up.  I assume.  I get angry.  I strive.  My faith in Jesus is what keeps me sane.  He is strong.  He knows my story.  "Be still and know that I am God" -Psalm 46:10.  I seriously want to tattoo it on my body. 

Fast forward to today- I am finishing up this post while sitting on my sofa and I am almost 15 weeks pregnant.  Yep.  He sent us joy.  Clearly, this is a whole other story in itself...one that will be saved for next time.  Thank you for taking the time to read this.  Thank you to those of you who have stood with me believing and praying. God is good.

Almost 11 weeks

13 weeks and after a big meal!

In the Shadow of His Wings

True story.  Last week we had picture day at school.  The photographers set up in the gym, so our PE teacher sent everyone an email letting teachers know that PE would have to be held in the classrooms since it was too cold to go outside.  In the business of the day, I forgot to tell the students this was the case.  Depending what special we have for the day (PE, Music, Art, etc.) we come back inside from recess through different doors, so when we began lining up to come in from recess this day, my students were expecting to go in the door near the gym.  When I told them otherwise, many of them questioned me and made sure that I had not "forgotten" that we were supposed to be going to PE.  Rather than repeat myself 28 times, I simply told the students to "Trust me" and go inside the way I directed.  Once inside, I could explain to everyone the reason for the change.

As I walked inside, it hit me.  I am no different than my fifth graders when it comes to God.  I think that I know what should be in store for me.  I think I'm smart enough and in control enough to get myself where I need to be going.  In reality, only He can see the big picture.  Only He is wise and good- He just wants me to trust Him.  Last Tuesday, I heard Him loud and clear. 

That brings me to Lent.  My church participates in the season of the church calendar where believers are called to reflect on their need for Christ and do the hard work of preparing our dirty hearts for the glory of Easter.  Last Sunday, my pastor spoke from Luke and told how in a barnyard fire a mother hen will call her chicks to her and gather them under her wings.  Stories have been told of farmers going into the barn later to find a charred, dead mother hen with live babies still under her wings.  Isn't that amazing?  What a beautiful picture of God's love for us.  When struggle comes and we panic and run, He simply longs to cover us.  Psalm 91:4 says, "He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" and Psalm 63:7 says, "For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy." 

We had another meeting with our infertility doctor for the first time in over a year and a half.  I want this time to be different.  This time, I want to be "covered".   

I Choose Him

Well, gratefulness isn't next.  I learned not to try to plan out my next post...

So what to do with all this darkness and pain?  Do I stay here?  Do I run from the Healer?  I find myself in a unique position.  Will I choose Him despite what He brings?  Job 2:10 says, "You are talking like a foolish woman.  Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"  And so my answer is a resounding YES!  I choose You.  Whatever You bring.  Pain or  joy.  I choose You and not what blessing you may or may not bring to me. 

John Piper says it well, "Ordinarily, faith would mean trust or confidence you put in someone who has given good evidence of his reliability and willingness and ability to provide what you need. But when Jesus Christ is the object of faith there is a twist. He himself is what we need. If we only trust Christ to give us gifts and not himself as the all-satisfying gift, then we do not trust him in a way that honors him as our treasure. We simply honor the gifts. They are what we really want, not him. So biblical faith in Jesus must mean that we trust him to give us what we need most — namely, himself. That means that faith itself must include at its essence a treasuring of Christ above all things.”

That sounds hard, doesn't it? 

Let's not sugar coat this- it has taken me years to get to this point.  I am not saying I have this all figured out and the future will be all daisies and roses.  I never want this blog to be unrealistic (I have dear friends who will keep me in line...you know who you are).  I never want to minimize the hurt that someone may be going through.  My point is, if I have to choose something, I choose Him.

When I let Him in He gets to work in my heart.  Light brings warmth, hope, joy.  He is strengthening me and teaching me.  All I had to do is let go and choose. 

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears
You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding, You’re teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us
You’re with us in the fire and the flood
Faithful forever, Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways
Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace
Youʼre the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory
Even in the valley You are faithful
Youʼre working for our good, Youʼre working for our good and for your glory

Aaron Keyes

Darkness

Darkness.  The absence of Light, of Hope.  A shadow of evil, pain, sorrow.  Darkness comes in many shapes and forms.  What is darkness in your life?  The unfathomable shooting in Newtown, CT?  The senseless death of a high school  friend?  We try to comprehend it all.  We ask, “Where is God?” 

In my life, darkness has been infertility.  Over four years we have waited, hoped, prayed.  Cried.  I have reached a point where I need to talk about it.  For me and for you.  Infertility has a stigma that we shouldn’t talk about it.  I think that’s wrong.  I’m not planning on sharing the details with the World Wide Web (you are welcome to call me if you’d like talk about it), but I think it’s important to share my heart on the topic. 

I am not going to lie to you.  I have been angry with God.  I have doubted His goodness.  I have bargained with Him and flat out ignored Him.  I asked, “Where is God?”  My head knew that He was there, but I did not desire Him.  My head knew that He alone was peace for my soul…but my hurting heart wanted nothing to do with Him.  I busied myself with Masters work and just about anything else to numb myself from what I knew was Him speaking to me.  It has been a dark, dry, and difficult journey. 

So, where was God?  He was there all along…I did not want to find Him.  Could this be true for the darkness of other situations in our world too?

Psalm 130 “Help, God- the bottom has fallen out of my life!  Master, hear my cry for help!  Listen hard!  Open your ears!  Listen to my cries for mercy.”  (The Message translation)

I love quoting authors because so often I feel that they put words to the emotions that I am unable to express.  I stumbled across this gem from Eugene Peterson on Sunday.  It’s from his book, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.  “By setting the anguish out in the open and voicing it as a prayer, the psalm (130) gives dignity to our suffering.  It does not look on suffering as something slightly embarrassing that must be hushed up and locked in a closet (where it finally becomes a skeleton) because this sort of thing shouldn’t happen to a real person of faith.  And it doesn’t treat it as a puzzle that must be explained, and therefore turn it over to theologians or philosophers to work out an answer.  Suffering is set squarely, openly, passionately before God.  It is acknowledged and expressed.  It is described and lived.” 

This is me setting my suffering out in the open.  I don’t want it to become a skeleton in my closet.  I don’t need anyone to rationalize it for me.  I just want to open it up to the One who knows every detail, understands my emotion, and longs for me to turn and run into His arms.  I am living it- not dying because of it.  Please don’t feel sorry or say, “It will all happen in the right time”.  Just pray…and mean it.

Next? Gratefulness.

A New Year, A New Blog

About five months ago, I ordered Brennan Manning's book Ruthless Trust.  It is the sequel to one of my favorite books by Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel.  I read the first chapter right away and didn't touch it again until last week.  I don't think I was ready for its message five months ago...I'm not sure if I'm ready for it now.  Finishing my Masters has opened up free time that I am committed to putting to good use.  Thus far it has involved cleaning my house, organizing cabinets and closets, and visiting with friends and family.  It may seem melodramatic, but I'm starting to feel like myself again.  I learned a lot over the last year and a half- many take aways and realizations of things that are truly important.  I started a science blog for school.  I can't say I enjoyed writing all of those papers, but the habit of reflection has stuck with me.  And so, here it is.  My first non-academic blog since the Xanga days of college.

I can't say that either of these books prompted me to want to start a blog, rather reading Ruthless Trust (only three chapters in) is causing me to reflect on what I have been holding deep inside for several years.  I'm not a big fan of sharing private information on social media, but I've felt a need to share my story with others for a while.  Not so it can be all about me, but so it can be all about Him.  I have been in a dry and painful place, but I hear Him calling me out, asking me to trust Him again (hence the book) and put myself in a place to soak up His refreshing presence.  Think of a dry shriveled sponge under the sink faucet, softening and expanding, capable of holding more.  Sounds nice.

I will refrain from the formal APA citation, but according to Wikipedia, a doxology is "a short hymn of praise to God".  Manning uses the phrase in his book, and so it is the title of my blog.  Despite the darkness I have experienced (we all experience some kind of darkness), I choose to sing a doxology praising the One "in whom we live and move and have our being" (Acts 17:28). 

"To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the face of the marvels, cruel circumstances, obscenities, and commonplaces of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness." - Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust